i wish starbucks made bloody marys
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
