i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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