Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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