ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
