I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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