I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize