Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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