a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
