Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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