your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
