Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
