Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
