her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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