Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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