were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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