It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
