my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
