I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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