Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
God, I missed his penis.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
