just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
