It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
