i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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