areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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