Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
