They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
