he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
