He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
