we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
