my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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