i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
im holly from the hills drunk
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
FUCK WHALES
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
