Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Randomize
