My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
