My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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