So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
