you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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