So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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