Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
