Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Randomize
