you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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