Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Randomize
