how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
