i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
40s are totally the cure
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Randomize
