im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
