you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
