I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
