Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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