I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
