She's JV to your varsity
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize