My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
