I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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