just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
