I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Randomize
