My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
