My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
