got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
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