I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
