the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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