dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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