If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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