talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
