I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
the condom got lost in my hair
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize