If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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